Grief
in the 'nineties
Children's grief should be seen as an ongoing life process that is approachable through
words, activities and non-verbal communication. Educators can use this understanding to
create a safe environment for parents, teachers and children to acknowledge and process
difficult feelings. So often adults rely on the prevailing myth that children are too
young too grieve. When a child is capable of loving, he is capable of grieving. Yet many
of today's children are born into a world of grief issues that await them inside their
homes and outside their neighborhoods. Boys and girls are becoming increasingly
traumatized by these prevailing social and societal loss issues in their homes, in their
schools and in their communities.
A major percentage of America's children face the loss of the protection of the adult
world, as grief issues of homicide violence and abuse infiltrate their outer and inner
worlds. Issues involving shame and secretiveness when death is caused by such occurrences
as suicide and the contraction of AIDS create a grieving child that is locked into the
pain of isolation - which can be far more damaging than the original loss.
Normal signs of grief
Today's educators first need to become familiar with the normal signs of grief in order to
normalize them for parents and students. We then can develop ways to work with the
grieving child within the school system
Mary (names have been changed) was a fourth grade client whose dad had committed
suicide on her birthday. During our grief therapy session, she told me she was enraged at
her teacher, Mrs. Albert. Mary had told her the first week of school that her father had
committed suicide during the summer. Mrs. Albert never responded to her and never
addressed the subject again. Mary was furious and swore never to tell anyone else in
school about this death.
I asked Mary what she wished her teacher would have said. She replied, "I wish she
would have given me a hug, said she was sorry, and promised she would be there if I ever
wanted to talk about my dad or the way he died." Educators can develop ways to
normalize and discuss these delicate subjects with children.
Normalizing grief
Educators need to understand that children don't like to feel different. When they have
experienced the death of a parent, they often choose not to talk about it. Not talking
about the death allows some kids to feel some control over normalizing their life.
Andy was playing on the school basketball team, and the final tournament was a major
event. Most of the moms and dads of the team members came to support their children for
the game. Andy scored the final basket that won the victory for his team. Charlie, Andy's
coach, ran over to Andy to congratulate him, and all the other boys and their parents
joined in the celebration.
"Where's your dad?" Coach Charlie asked. "He's working today, and
couldn't come," Andy replied. Coach Charlie was unaware that Andy's dad had died of
cancer three months earlier. Andy needed to save face and avoid his dad's death in order
to "appear normal."
Normalizing grief response for children
It is normal for a grieving child to:
- Imitate behavior of the deceased.
- Want to "appear
normal."
- Need to tell the story over and
over again.
- Enjoy wearing or holding
something of loved one.
- Speak of loved one in the
present.
- Tend to worry about health and
health of surviving loved ones.
If the school had a policy of
maintaining a "grief and loss inventory," Coach Charlie could have reviewed this
tool for all of his students in order to identify Andy as a grieving child. The school
guidance counselor can serve as a liaison to identify grieving children to all faculty who
currently work with the child.
Grief and ADD, LD
So often today's children are misdiagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and learning
disabilities after their experience with traumatic loss. Hyperactivity, impulsivity and
inability to concentrate are normal grief symptoms that too often become the behavioral
criteria to diagnose learning problems.
Seven-year-old Sam was a second grader whose older sister Sally was murdered in a
drive-by shooting the day before Christmas. He came back to school after the winter
holidays with extreme restlessness and frequent swings of emotional outbursts and
withdrawal. This continued for several months, along with a decrease in attention and
school performance. The grief symptoms continued well into third grade, where Sam's
teacher expressed concern that he might be exhibiting signs of attention deficit. She
suggested to his mom that Sam receive an evaluation by his pediatrician.
Sam was placed on Ritalin and given this drug for the next three years. He continued to
have the nightmares and bed-wetting that began with his sister's death. However, these
anxieties were never addressed inside or outside of the school system. Sam became a part
of the learning disabled population, and his deep grief and its symptoms remained buried.
Artwork can be used as a grief therapy tool to help children recognize unresolved grief
feelings and buried or frozen blocks of emotion.
Sam also became a member of a school-based grief therapy group, which he attended with
four other children between the ages of six to nine. He attended this group, led by his
guidance counselor, for several months. Children made memory books, commemorated loved
ones, and shared photos and stories. Sam's concentration in school became more focused;
eventually, he was taken off the medication. He continued going to a children's
bereavement group in a neighboring hospice program for the rest of the school year.
We, as caring adults, need to be educated in learning the signs of normal and
complicated grief. Gaining a respect for and acceptance of the feelings of anxiety and
depression that occur with normal grief can be a strong force in differentiating between
grief and ADD or LD. The bereaved child may:
- Become the class clown.
- Become withdrawn and unsociable.
- Bed-wet or have nightmares.
- Become restless in staying
seated.
- Call out of turn.
- Not complete schoolwork.
- Have problems listening and
staying on task.
- Become overly talkative.
- Become disorganized.
- Show reckless physical action.
- Show poor concentration around
external stimuli.
- Show difficulty in following
directions.
Creating grief awareness in the
schools
So often adults tell children they "need to move on and get over their loss."
We, in the educational system, need to recognize and build into our grief awareness the
ongoing process of grief. Each child's grief is unique, and their grief experience is
unique to each individual.
Ashley was a third grader whose mom had died of a sudden heart attack when she was in
first grade. Her art class was making Mother's Day gifts, and she was flooded with
memories as class members began talking about their moms. Ashley burst into tears and ran
out of the room. Her teacher, Mr. Barry, rushed after her. Ashley explained that her mom
had died two years ago, and it was still painful to remember her.
Mr. Barry admonished Ashley, "It's been two years since your mom has died. You
need to get over it and move on!"
Ashley said she hated her teacher for saying that. The last thing she wanted to do was
forget her mom. What she needed, instead, were concrete ways to remember her. During grief
therapy session that day, Ashley and I lit a candle to remember Mom.
Mr. Barry could have responded to Ashley in a compassionate way that would have helped
her feel safe to express her feelings of grief in school. An agreement between them
designating a safe adult within the school who Ashley could see when she missed her mom
might have created a way to allow for her grief feelings. Mr. Barry could have also
invited Ashley to create a symbolic Mother's Day card for her mom, write a poem about her
mom, or plant a flower in her memory.
Letter and poetry writing are grief therapy techniques that allow children to create
concrete ways to commemorate the death of a loved one.
Interventions for the grieving child
Children gain a greater understanding of themselves when they can express previously
hidden emotions. The awareness of unrecognized feelings also allows educators, parents and
other caring adults to be more in touch with what is going on in the grief process. Grief
feelings and thoughts are continuous and ever-changing, inundating their lives like waves
on the ocean. These thoughts and feelings may arrive without warning, and children feel
unprepared for their enormity in a school setting. |
About grief: Books to read... For teachers and parents
Breaking the Silence:
A Guide to Help Children With Complicated Grief - Suicide, Homicide, AIDS, Violence and
Abuse
Linda Goldman. 1996. Washington, DC: Taylor & Francis. A clearly written guide for
adults to help children with complicated grief issues. It includes specific chapters on
suicide, homicide, AIDS, violence and abuse, guidelines for educators, national resources,
and an annotated bibliography.
Death in the Classroom
Kathleen Cassini and Jacqueline Rogers. 1990. Cincinnati, OH: Griefwork of Cincinnati. An
informative teacher’s textbook and resourceful guide that sensitively confronts ways
to work with a death in the classroom.
Grief Comes to Class
Majel Gliko-Braden. 1992. Omaha, NE: Centering Corp. A practical book designed to help
teachers and parents assist bereaved children.
Life and Loss:
A Guide to Help Grieving Children
Linda Goldman. 1994. Washington, DC: Taylor & Francis. A resource for working with
children and normal grief. It provides practical information, resources, hands-on
activity, a model of a good-bye visit for children and an annotated bibliography.
Teaching Students About Death
Robert and Eileen Stevenson. 1996. Philadelphia, PA: Charles Press. A comprehensive
resource for educators and parents explaining childhood bereavement in the schools.
The Grieving Child
Helen Fitzgerald. 1992. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster. A wonderful guide for parents
and other caring adults that speaks of children’s grief and loss issues in a loving
and practical way, with many ideas and techniques to include children in commemorating.
When Grief Visits School
Dr. John Dudley. 1995. Minneapolis, MN: Educational Media Corporation. School districts
are encouraged to use this book to establish and train crisis response teams to prepare
for tragedies that may occur.
For children
About Dying
Sarah Stein. 1974. New York: Walker & Co. (ages 3-6). This book contains a simple text
and photographs to help the young child understand death and to provide ways to help
children participate in commemorating.
Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope
Donna O’Toole. 1998. Burnsville, NC: Mt. Rainbow Publications (ages 5-8). A story
about animals that presents pain, sadness and eventual hope after death.
Badger’s Parting Gifts
S. Varley. 1984. New York, NY: Morrow and Co. (all ages). Badger was a special friend to
all the animals. After his death, each friend recalls a special memory of Badger.
Bart Speaks Out:
An Interactive Storybook for Young Children About Suicide
Linda Goldman. 1997 (in press). Los Angeles, California: Western Psychological Services
Publisher (ages 5-10). A useful interactive storybook for young children that provides
words to use for the young child to discuss the sensitive topic of suicide.
Lifetimes:
The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children
B. Mellonie and R. Ingpen. 1983. New York, NY:
Bantam Books (ages 4-10). This book explains the life cycle of plants, animals and people.
Death Is Hard to Live With
J. Bode. 1993. New York, NY: Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing. Teenagers talk frankly
about how they cope with loss.
Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins
Enid Traisman. 1992. Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation. A wonderful book for teenagers to
explore thoughts and feelings and record grief memories.
When Someone Very Special Dies
Marge Heegaard. 1988. Minneapolis, MN: Woodland Press (ages 4-7). An excellent workbook
for young children that uses artwork and journaling to allow them to understand and
express their grief. |
